The Great Depression

You’re sitting in your apartment, for the first time in your life things are relatively stable. The ups and downs come and go, but you don’t struggle but accept both pain and joy. Two springs ago it was different. You’re pondering on those occasions.

At that point, you had decided to finish it all, it was mainly a question of how and when. You started to relax in a strange way, knowing that the suffering would end. The medication had done its work, it affected your whole body, sleep was almost impossible, and you weren’t able to see a change for the better. That specific night you were spending with your girlfriend, she was asleep. You could not stay in bed, thoughts were tormenting you.

“This is not a life worth living” you thought, and so you started a dark journey, towards the bridge where you'd lost two friends several years ago. At the beginning you were walking, but you realized that it was too far, so you took a tram. A strange dark cloud was surrounding you, making it impossible to think clearly. The stations passed by and suddenly you were at the junction where a road would take you to the bridge. For some reason you used your last tool for survival, you started talking to people on the bus stop. You asked a simple question, “What makes you live on?” You could see doubt and hesitation in their eyes, but they gave you straightforward answers. “God makes me live” said an African man, “Everything, the air, my family, the changing of seasons” said a woman from the Balkans.

The cloud was still there, it surrounded you, and you were completely aware what you transmitted. A dark, sick breath of death and decease. But you returned, you took the tram back, and you didn't mention anything about the journey to anyone at that point. On the way back music was sounding in your ear, a strange tune from the underworld that you fell into.

Another day, there was a birthday celebration in that village you loved so much. You couldn't really feel that old joy that you had felt so many times before, but you recognized the beauty of it, so you decided to go there a last time. Before going to the train station, you went to a mall to buy a bottle of wine. On they way back from the liquor store, a bottle fell to the ground and crashed with all its content spilling out on the floor. This was just another proof of your uselessness, another doom confirming what you already knew. It had to end, certain creatures were not meant to survive. But you kept your face, and on the train towards your destination with your loved ones, you passed time by asking old questions: “What’s you favorite color? Which is your favorite place?” You were gentle, you tried to hide your darkness.

At the party, all you could feel was isolation, you had seen it so many times, they were the lucky ones, gifted with capacities and bliss, you were the unfortunate one, doomed to fail. It was completely clear. You walked out and watched the moon, it was shining over the fjord and the mountains beautifully. You thought to yourself that you were lucky to get to see this one last time.

Later that night, in that old house which kept so many memories, something in you awoke. Your girlfriend’s sisters, had contact with a woman who had lived in the house many years ago. You had never been so open to everything around you, and so you asked for help to speak to her.  The younger sister consented and took you up the stairs. You couldn’t see the woman, but you felt her. You communicated with her through the younger sister, who was keeping her eyes shut, transmitting messages. You stood in the middle of the room, and the invisible woman moved your arms and your body as you were standing. She could answer questions of yes and no. You asked the younger sister a question directed to the old women,  “Will I be able to live again? What shall I do? This cloud has me in its grip.”.  The old women spoke through the younger sister, she said that you shouldn't give in, and that things would be better, she pitied you, but she knew that things would be better, but that you couldn't give up. The message was so clear to you, and the clouds shattered for a moment. You started fighting an invisible enemy in the dark room, kicking and striking at the invisible opponent.

The older sister, came up the stairs, and saw your struggle, she helped you to the bed and performed “Reiki” an energy massage that had helped you on another occasion.

“Oh my god! You are completely empty!” She said.

She filled your chakras with new energy, it was like if someone was doing CPR to a person about to die. And then you got some respite. That night before sleep, you told your girlfriend about your journey to the bridge, you both cried, and you promised never to do it again.

There is a break, you yawn and think back on that spring, there were so many occasions, which are worth telling? Everything is worth telling, but you know you have to choose. Hmm, the hospital, your first time in a mental hospital.

Things had changed, finally, you didn't’ know it then, but after several days of agony and nothingness in your apartment, your brother had taken you to a mental clinic where you met a young Greek doctor. You could not stop crying, and you told her about all your incapacities. She said she could help, but could she?

They took you to a light section of the psychiatric hospital. There was a nurse with nice eyes, she took away most of your belongings and made sure you didn't have anything that could hurt you or others. No cables, no scissors, no sharp objects. You tried to accommodate to the new situation. You went out the closed yard and to run, you were constantly active trying to fight off your worst enemy, nothingness. You spoke to other patients, someone told you that she had worked too much, the pressure had become too much. You freaked out because you did not have a job at the time, you were convinced you could not get one either. You started screaming and they gave you a pill. You relaxed in some strange way, but the stress and the agony were still there beneath your numbness.

After a few weeks of regular meals, talks with shrinks and doctors, and heavy medication, you were feeling better. You had made a friend in there. She had spent most of her life in institutions, her sickness had frozen her into her enormous body. She had scars on her arms, but she had a big heart. Her confusion and suffering were directed inward just as yours. One spring night the two of you were sitting outside in the garden, the weather was so warm that you could wear a t-shirt although the stars shone above you. You drew a picture of here, and suddenly you remembered something hidden deep down; during all times no matter how hard they are, there are always nice people to meet and chat with under the stars. You found your way back to writing, you wrote short blog posts with pictures. It was a first step forward among many backlashes.

You were let out of the hospital at one point, but you weren't ready. Every day without anything to do was dangerous. You didn't know what to do, and you made sure you got back inside the protective environment of the hospital. But this time you were determined to change.  You stopped taking the psychotic medicine that didn’t work but kept taking the antidepressants and the sleeping pills. Suddenly, you felt in charge of your situation.

On a permission back home with your girlfriend you found a self-help book for self-esteem. It was smelling of quick fix, but you decided to read it, and it was helpful. You finished every day by writing three good things you’d done, three things you were grateful for, and three things that you wished for. Amazingly, you also managed to apply for a few jobs, and you got an interview. You had no hopes at all to get it when you traveled to the interview, which made you relax in a strange way. A few days afterwards they told you, you got it. It was hard to comprehend.

One day you went out for a run in the rain. It was liberating, an old positive habit. The rain was pouring down, but it was warm due to the heat wave that had just passed. You decided to go for a swim. You ran down back to the hospital all wet, but realizing that you were on your way back, not only to the hospital but also to life. A few days later you left the hospital. You started planning for your future work, you had something to do each day, someone helped you to structure your week to get routines, and you had a constant feeling of working towards a goal.

The rest of the spring was filled with setbacks, and steps forwards, but when summer came you were back on track. You kept going, happy to be yourself again. And at this point of the story when you sit by your desk, you know that this time was a great teacher, although you and your loved ones suffered greatly. But you also know that, your healing is just partial. After another half-year of hard work and unexpected challenges, your thoughts are destructive again and you can’t stop blaming yourself for being insufficient, and you have to seek help again. This time people are fast to help, and you’re granted time with a counselor. Counseling and Buddhist meditation, helps you a little at a time, and again and again  you have to treat pain with care and compassion. Right now you’re thinking that this spring is crucial, and you know that whatever happens, pain, confusion and anger can’t be met with force, anger or violence but with love and compassion alone.