Negative thoughts again. My best friend tells me to start doing something, and it helps. It helps so much. I start another series of thoughts. Somehow, it’s not good enough I want to crush these thoughts with sheer willpower, but that’s not the way it works. I start planning, I’m doing it now, and it really helps.
tisdag 28 februari 2012
måndag 27 februari 2012
A miserable day of nothing
Last Sunday I felt bad. I had no energy and as always I had plenty of work to do. I went on sic-leave for Monday. I managed to organize things with my boss. That wasn’t really the problem, the problem was an empty Monday and agony, a feeling of not being able to do anything productive. I postpone and postpone and postpone things that I should do and end up in apathy.
There are so many things that I want to do, but the lack of energy makes me look into a different direction, a direction that I know has nothing to offer, but I can’t control my mind. It’s destructive and it’s worthless and I hope that tomorrow, I’ll be able to do a little bit more and avoid those fucked up thoughts of destruction.
There is so much to live for, here, in this text my essence comes to life. I know there is a good side in me, and even if there is a darker one I am going to use this blog to strengthen the good side.
There are so many things that I want to do, but the lack of energy makes me look into a different direction, a direction that I know has nothing to offer, but I can’t control my mind. It’s destructive and it’s worthless and I hope that tomorrow, I’ll be able to do a little bit more and avoid those fucked up thoughts of destruction.
There is so much to live for, here, in this text my essence comes to life. I know there is a good side in me, and even if there is a darker one I am going to use this blog to strengthen the good side.
onsdag 22 februari 2012
Break trough
A miserable morning. Piles of cloths. Piles of dirty dishes. No energy. The incredible enemy is called “not doing”. Lots of things to do.
Then, suddenly, a soft voice. Beautiful landscapes on the TV. Breakfast, and then a change. No judging, and suddenly action. Energy comes back when I find stillness. I can let go and start work.
Then, suddenly, a soft voice. Beautiful landscapes on the TV. Breakfast, and then a change. No judging, and suddenly action. Energy comes back when I find stillness. I can let go and start work.
måndag 20 februari 2012
Procrastination, Buddhism and Revolution
Today I effectively procrastinated by looking at idiotic TV-shows when I was supposed to work. Probably because I was tired, sometimes my energy just escapes. However, I managed to correct a few texts, and I was quite happy with that. Even more important, I avoided blaming myself for my “sinful misconduct” of being unproductive.
I think I’m slowly developing a better approach to myself in these situations. I think this is due to my meditation practice, it might also be that I’m currently liberated from work. I’m really trying to cultivate better ways of dealing with my everyday life, both when it comes to routines and my approach to my “failures”.
I’m reading “Against the Stream” by Noah Levine at the moment, which is a book about Buddhist mediation, but also a guidebook to become a “spiritual revolutionary” as Noah puts it. It’s a bit pretentious and moralistic in some ways, but it also gives good strategies to handle anger, fear, anxiety and other feelings that might cause suffering. I’ve just read a few chapters and I try to do a critical reading and pick up whatever I like. In fact, Noah encourage the reader to find out for him or herself.
The sections about meditation and how to relate to one's thoughts and feelings, are really good, while Noah’s comments on “right livelihood” can be very narrow. Apparently, he has been meditating a lot, and managed to change a very difficult life situation with drugs and violence by doing it, so I feel I can trust him on that one. The more political interpretations, where he for instance judges people working at bars for “wrong livelyhood” leaves something to be desired. Noah fails to realise that we’re living in a capitalist society and that we have to relate to world according to that fact.
Hmm I didn’t mean to dig so deep into this.
Anyway, I finished a not so hard day’s work by watching a really good film called Matewan together with a friend. The film is a bit old (1987) a bit old but I can really recommend it. Me and my friend woke up our dreams of solidarity, comradeship and started thinking about new ways to do it in a more collective way.
God night
I think I’m slowly developing a better approach to myself in these situations. I think this is due to my meditation practice, it might also be that I’m currently liberated from work. I’m really trying to cultivate better ways of dealing with my everyday life, both when it comes to routines and my approach to my “failures”.
I’m reading “Against the Stream” by Noah Levine at the moment, which is a book about Buddhist mediation, but also a guidebook to become a “spiritual revolutionary” as Noah puts it. It’s a bit pretentious and moralistic in some ways, but it also gives good strategies to handle anger, fear, anxiety and other feelings that might cause suffering. I’ve just read a few chapters and I try to do a critical reading and pick up whatever I like. In fact, Noah encourage the reader to find out for him or herself.
The sections about meditation and how to relate to one's thoughts and feelings, are really good, while Noah’s comments on “right livelihood” can be very narrow. Apparently, he has been meditating a lot, and managed to change a very difficult life situation with drugs and violence by doing it, so I feel I can trust him on that one. The more political interpretations, where he for instance judges people working at bars for “wrong livelyhood” leaves something to be desired. Noah fails to realise that we’re living in a capitalist society and that we have to relate to world according to that fact.
Hmm I didn’t mean to dig so deep into this.
Anyway, I finished a not so hard day’s work by watching a really good film called Matewan together with a friend. The film is a bit old (1987) a bit old but I can really recommend it. Me and my friend woke up our dreams of solidarity, comradeship and started thinking about new ways to do it in a more collective way.
God night
söndag 19 februari 2012
A few days off
I’m relaxing after a hectic month of work. It has been stressful, to a point where I had to go on sic-leave one day per week. There are so many things to think about, and its hard to catch up once you’re late.
As always, I have high expectations on what I think I’ll be able to do during this week off. Actually, its not even a week’s vacation because we are being forced to go on a conference, and we have an assignment that is due that day.
So, lowering expectations is probably the key to success for these days. I’ve got tons of exams that needs to be corrected, loads of comments on pupil assignments that needs to be posted, and on the top of that, I need to plan future classes. If I don’t, there will be more stress later on.
Tomorrow, I hope I’ll be able to finish correcting some English exams. I really hope my students won´t ever find this blog, I think they would give me lots of comments on my grammar. Luckily, few people know I’m writing.
One of the many things I hope to achieve this week, is to post on this blog every day. I have also planned to exercise, prepare myself to be a father and practice and read about Buddhist meditation. I´ll keep you updated.
God night my people, god night.
As always, I have high expectations on what I think I’ll be able to do during this week off. Actually, its not even a week’s vacation because we are being forced to go on a conference, and we have an assignment that is due that day.
So, lowering expectations is probably the key to success for these days. I’ve got tons of exams that needs to be corrected, loads of comments on pupil assignments that needs to be posted, and on the top of that, I need to plan future classes. If I don’t, there will be more stress later on.
Tomorrow, I hope I’ll be able to finish correcting some English exams. I really hope my students won´t ever find this blog, I think they would give me lots of comments on my grammar. Luckily, few people know I’m writing.
One of the many things I hope to achieve this week, is to post on this blog every day. I have also planned to exercise, prepare myself to be a father and practice and read about Buddhist meditation. I´ll keep you updated.
God night my people, god night.
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